Rosemary's Raven

Sunday, December 31, 1995 The Dallas Morning News

On Thanksgiving Day, The Dallas Morning News ran a delightful article in the Today section called “The Path to Pecan Pie.”  Under the headline “Nutgraphs,” we became privy to some rather interesting pecan facts.  I was very intrigued by “How old can pecan trees get?” - and the answer - “Nobody knows. There is no age at which they are expected to die or become nonproductive. We do know there are trees that are several hundred years old that are still producing nuts.”

I have always been a believer that we can learn a great deal from nature.  For example, all trees have the grace to bend with strong winds, teaching us that being rigid and inflexible in our attitudes can cause us to snap, while gracefully bending allows us to stand firmly rooted without breaking.

“What does the pecan tree know about life that I do not know?”

After chewing on this for the past few weeks, I found an answer.  Pecan trees are tragically heroic.  During droughts, the tree will send all its moisture to the pecans - choosing to die rather than deprive its offspring of water.  Other bearing trees, such as peach trees, will selfishly drop their fruit before they’ll die of thirst. 

I wonder, are these pecan trees really “tragically heroic” or are they just incredibly wise? How much closer would we all be to the expectation of limitless life and productivity if we took all of the unselfishness that we often preach, and occasionally practice at this time of year, and made it our way of life? What if we put our fruits first all year round, giving unselfishly of ourselves so that our good works could take on productive lives of their own?  What if we put the fruit of church and community first and served these institutions rather than giving in to whatever personal satisfaction that would keep us away from their doors?  What if we put our precious fruit, our children, first, and saw to it that they received the academic and moral education they need even if it means turning off the television, being home for dinner hour, or not sleeping in on Sunday morning?

So, as you’re enjoying the scrumptious slice of pecan pie, I urge you to consider the source of your enjoyment.  If a tree is known by its fruits, then my tree of choice is the tree that puts its fruits first. 

~Barbe Wyly

Ten things I want my 10-year-old daughter to know:

1. It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it’s not.  The hard truth is that you can’t, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don’t pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I’m wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you’ve heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don’t shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and cleft chin and your father’s coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society’s beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it.  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  Welcome.

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I’m going to be here, no matter what, Grace.  The red string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being “too sensitive” or to “get over it” when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  That feeling, Woolf’s “emptiness about the heart of life,” is just part of the deal.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don’t even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I’m learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I’m not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I’ll admit I don’t always love your behavior, and I’m quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

This post originally appeared on A Design So Vast.